The Hidden Wounds of Childhood: Understanding Attachment Trauma and Emotional Neglect

We are not meant to live in isolation, but are dependent on one another for emotional well-being - Daniel J. Siegel

When people think of childhood trauma, they often picture "Big T" traumas—events like abuse, violence, or catastrophic loss. But there’s another form of trauma that is just as impactful, yet often overlooked: attachment trauma. These wounds don’t come from what happened to a child, but rather from what didn’t happen—the love, safety, and emotional attunement that were absent.

The Impact of Emotional Neglect and Attachment Trauma

Children are wired for connection. When their emotional needs go unmet—whether through distant or preoccupied caregivers, inconsistent love, or outright emotional neglect—the effects can be profound. A child may internalised the message that their feelings are unimportant, that they must shrink themselves to be accepted, or that love must be earned. These experiences shape the nervous system, the self-concept, and the ability to form safe, trusting relationships later in life.

"Children must never be burdened with the responsibility of earning love." – Unknown

Exiled Parts: Holding the Pain

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we talk about exiled parts—the wounded, abandoned aspects of the self that hold onto the pain of childhood. These exiled parts often carry deep sadness, fear, or shame, and over time, they get buried beneath layers of protective strategies like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or emotional detachment. These parts were silenced for survival, but they continue to influence thoughts, behaviours, and relationships in adulthood.

How Attachment Trauma forms Limiting Beliefs

One of the most damaging effects of attachment trauma is the development of negative core beliefs. Over years of unmet emotional needs, a child may unconsciously form beliefs such as:

• I am not enough.

• My feelings don’t matter.

• Love is conditional.

• If I am vulnerable, I will be abandoned.

  
  

These beliefs don’t just disappear with time. They become deeply embedded in the psyche, shaping self-worth and forming barriers to emotional growth, intimacy, and self-compassion. They create patterns of avoidance, self-sabotage, or chronic self-doubt that can feel impossible to break without intentional healing. and this is where attachment-informed EMDR can be so effective. By removing the old false negative beliefs, and any emotional burden child exile parts are holding, and establishing new positive beliefs that allow for growth in self esteem, confidence and empowerment.

"The way we speak to children becomes their inner voice." – Peggy O’Mara

The Fear of Facing the Past

Coming to therapy to unpack attachment wounds can feel terrifying. For many, acknowledging the depth of emotional neglect they experienced feels like betraying their caregivers. Others fear that if they open the door to their past pain, they might never be able to close it again. This fear is valid. Healing attachment trauma is not easy—but it is possible.

The Path to Healing from Attachment Trauma

Freedom from trauma is possible

Healing starts with creating a safe space to acknowledge the truth of what happened—or what didn’t happen. In therapy, we work with the exiled parts, offering them the care and attention they never received. We challenge old, ingrained beliefs and replace them with new, self-affirming truths. And most importantly, we learn that healing is not about blaming the past but about reclaiming the future.

If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Your experiences are real, and your healing matters. The journey may be challenging, but the freedom and the other side is so worth it. Remember, although your past may shape you, it does not define you.